yes I am still alive, busy as hell but still alive. I have finally updated my pics. not much new here. I go for a catscan tomorrow because I have some sinus problems that I have  had for the better part of 3 yrs.. the kids are all big and bad(just kidding). I am selling avon now and thats going.....ok...won't make me rich but its fun, anyhow, thats about ir for now, leave me a message let me know whats up

Sorry everyone, haven't had much time to update but I have added some new pictures. These are of Zander who is already nine months, hard to believe. I will blog soon, Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Years to all.

Pauline

Santa Pick Up Lines

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

I know when you`ve been bad or good...
so let`s skip the small talk!

Some of my best toys run on batteries...
(wink wink!!!)

Interested in seeing the "North Pole"?
(Well, that`s what Mrs. Claus calls it.)

I see you when you`re sleeping & you don`t wear any underwear...
Do you???

Screw the "NICE" list... I`ve got you on my "NAUGHTY" list, Babe!!!

Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

well, yay, my email is down and it sucks, apparently hotmail has deleted all their free accounts or something so I can't check my email, friggin crap. Ahhh well, it was mostly junk anyway.

This weekend was nuts. LOL Yesterday, I bowled in a bowling tourney with two of my 3 kids(that can bowl) it was insane, I was running around from one end of the bowling alley to another for 3 and a half hrs. Insanity. I did alright, with my son, the 2nd game I did awesome, we only bowled the uneven numbered frames. On the 1st, I had spare, 3rd I had strike,5th I had strike,7th spare, and 9th well I got all the pins down, and after that I think I was burnt out becaUSE it was rough. I must say it really was fun. My daughter Logan and I won a box of toblerone chocolates LOL, not good for the extra baby weight I want to lose. Felicity had fun too, she got to hang out with grandpa.

Zander came back from my friends house at about 130 and I realized a bit later that he was burning up, fever of 103, he went to the hospital and had his first chest xray, poor little munchkin. He has a chest infection. He has already had pneumonia and may possibly have asthma,he has a puffer that he takes and he is only 8 and a half months. He is so sweet, still content but very cuddly. I managed to get a whole hr. and a half sleep last night!!

Today, we went to church and I made a realization, I am very differnt than a lot of the woman my age. They are very clicky and I guess Im not! I love em all dearly, but I just realized all of a sudden that  there are just differences!  I think my biggest issue is that we can hang out socially but I really don't know them and none of them have EVER taken the chance to get to know me, but I guess I am maybe guilty of the same thing I also realized that although it makes me sad to sort of be on the outside, I am not there for them, but for God. I just need to be strong and remind myself of that frequently! Sorry need to vent, without going into too much detail. I guess I just feel a little out of the loop. Having a feel sorry for myself moment. Sorry

Anyway, I have a great family, great friends, my health, and I have Christ my savior.I am blessed, it's about time I realized it too

Pauline

Recently I have come back to Spaces and I am already asking myself, why do I not get any hits, at all. I have a friend ot 2 that visit me from MSn but other than that noone. Weird!! Not a soul, not even when I update! Does anyone use spaces anymore?? This is so strange. Its like a virtual ghost town. The other thing that has been bothering me is that the first 3 numbers in my stats have been sitting at 666 for several days.  When I first started spaces over a yr ago, I was writig a lot of poetry, I was getting more hits, but peoplke were stealing my stuff without permission and I got annoyed. Any suggestions as to what to do would be great. Do we want more poetry? Is there a specific time I should be updating? Who knows, but I am starting to get frustrated.

I am happy to report that Zander has slept better the last 2 nights. On Sunday, he didn't wake up at all, and slept8 consecutive hrs. Last night he woke up once(we didn't run to him when he woke up) and he fussed for about 2 min., and he is still sleeping.Hopefully this is the start of some better sleeping nights.  I have to admit, we did have to let him cry for a few nights, without getting up everytime he woke up. Saturday night was the worse, I had to hide my face in my pillow because I was crying, it was pretty terrible.

 

Both my girls ended up with the flu on Sunday and were both home from school yesterday. Poor Logan looked so pathetic, she couldn't even keep a glass of water down. They seem to be feeling better today.

I have been feeling a little better about life in general. I think my biggest problem, is that I am at home all the time with the kids, I never get out. I sometimes feel like I have lost all my identity and all I am is a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and being a mom. I just sometimes feel as though thats ALL I am. The only one who can change things is me.   The anxiety seems to have calmed down, I think some of this comes from quitting smoking. I have been visiting a nice young ladies blog, and some of her entries have really put things into perspective. Thanks Carrissa! I have talked to a friend of mine about my feelings and that always helps. I was finally open to my womans group(this is a small spirituality group that meets every two weeks) about events in my life that have affected me greatly. I am finally starting to open up and I must say this helps greatly. God has been the biggest help. My faith in him has really gotten me through. I have been through some rough stuff and I know without Him, I would never have made it through. I realized recently that every time I had an obstacle in my life, something I never thought I would get over, there was always a key person put there to help me through. This was Gods work, he placed real life angels before me to help me through, all I had to do was accept the help, and God Willing, I always did. I have been so fortunate, so blessed, and it is about time I really see it.

 

I have recently started selling Avon. LOL. I am actually excited about it. I love their products and hope to make a little extra $ by doing it too.  A lot of my friends seem to be excited about, and I actually have a few orders already. Gerry is going to bring a brochure to school, so hopefully some of the teachers will show some interest, wish me luck!

 

Well I should be off, Zander is in the kitchen now and these days he is so busy> He oulls himself up on anything, wether it is sturdy enough to support him or not.

Have a good day everyone

Well well well, would you believe another night of very little sleep? Zander was awake several times, and Logan my 5 yr.old daughter ended up in bed with us too! grrr Does anyone have any suggestions as to get this baby of mine to stay asleep?? It seems funny to me, he is my 4th and the only one to really give me much of a problem,I must say, I have been spoiled. He slept through the night from about 5 weeks until about 6 weeks ago, now its terrible, I am a miserable grump because of it.

 

 

I feel ok today, I have decided to give my worries over to God, especially the financial ones. Money is money and without it, I am still a very rich person. I have 4 amazingly beautiful kids who are healthy. I have an amazing man who worships me. I have my faith, my health, I wake up every morning. I need to accept things for what they are and know that everything has its purpose.  

 

I think the biggest problem is that I used to feel so in control and now I just don't. I react to things without a thought. I feel sad about things without really a major trigger and mostly I blame me, noone else but Me. I find it hard to like Me much. Its odd really, if I was to look at some of the things I do(like at my churh fo example, or as a mother) I would say there are some Nice things about me, but when something goes wrong, I will automatically find a way to make it my fault.  If I could stop doing that, it might be a bit easier. aww well!!

 

 

 

 

Yet again another night with vwry little sleep. I am hoping that when Zander gets his front teeth he will sleep again.

I would love to have a nap, but when I try, my anxiety attacks seem worse than ever. Have I mentionned that I have started having anxiety attacks again? This sucks, I basically feel like my heart is going to pound itself out of my chest, hard to sleep when this happens. Gerry tells me to figure out the cause and perhaps I won't have them anymore. If I knew what the cause was, don't you think I would try to stop it. Hard to pinpoint it at this point anyhow. Christmas is comming and I am not ready, at all and I probably won't be. We have a bill comming out on Friday that we are 200 short for and we still haven't done groceries, I am scared  really, When did things get this bad. I mean, we have been here before and made it out, but I just can't seem to deal with it this time. Sorry I realize I am venting and that I sound bitchy, but like I mentionned before I don't feel as though I have many I can talk to right now.(This is not a judgement of my friends, but a place I am at right now)

I am a Christian, I believe in God, I am trying my best to live  my life by him, I need to have faith that all will be ok. In the past we have always had what we have needed,always been provided for(Not necessarily all that we desired LOL). Why is it I can't see the way out this time?

 

The truth is...I am confused..am I depressed, just worried, a little sad or what? I do suffer from anxiety disorder, is this all this is, or is it more? Am I trying to hard to deal with it all, is it just too much?

 

Pauline

It has been forever and a day since I have blogged here. Many resons for this I suppose. Having 4 children is probably the biggest and most important reason. I am also extremely busy with church, singing, doing youth group.

One of the other reasons is that I have been experiencing the blues. They have come and gone since I have had the baby. I have good days and bad days. Lately I have actually come to terms with it and started admitting it, although many of my friends still don't know. It is such a hard thing for me to admit. I guess I feel guilty! I absolutely adore my family and this has nothing to do with anything that I lack from them. Most of the time I just don't like ME very much, and hard to see how others would either.

Often, I feel alone(I know many of you would think this hard in a family of 6). Not many people I can talk to, this is a hard thing for me to bring up. If I talk to Gerry, he tries to be supportive, truly, but he doesn't understand, he gets frustrated and defensive.

 Anyway today I had a pretty good day...here are some things that made me happy today

-Zander(he is 7 months) looked up at me and smiled the biggest heart melting smile

-Logan proved to be a forgiven child

Felicity came home with 5 tests, the lowest mark was a B+

-Hayden gave  me a huge hug for no reason

_I danced like an idiot with all 4 children

-Gerry looked at me like he used to when we first met

 I figured if I can find good it can't be all bad

 

Pauline

I have decided to go public, once again. I realized that I may have jumped the gun when it came to going private. I should not be ashamed or embarrassed of things that I have written in my space. I have always been honest and sincere and true to myself. I refuse to run away and hide. So, needless to say, I am back, and here to stay.

Pauline

Happy Canada day to all my fellow canadians! Heres hoping you have a safe and fun weekend. Off to the yardsales to buy things I don't really need.

Not Canadian? Well happy 4th of July.

To everyone, enjoy the long weekend

Pauline

I have decided to go private for a little while. Once in a while, I have used my space as an area to write personal details abot mysef, never was it my intention to publicly bash anyone but to just really let out my feelings. Unfortunately,  I think that maybe the wrong eyes have seen some of my blogs and have misinterpreted them. I think for the time being I will remain private until I decide exactly what it is I want my space to be, or whether I will keep it at all. it was also never my intention to have people pity me. I wrote a lot of my blogs so that people could really get a sense of who I am and how I  got to be this way.

I would like to thank all of my friends for visiting me and hopefully you will all hang around while I figure this out.

Pauline

Last year I wrote about a condition that my son Hayden had devellopped, called Vitiligo. What it is is a conditon where areas of his skin actually have lost the pigmentation. I first noticed it last yr. when he started getting sun on his face and I could see little white blotches. At first I thought they were old scars or something. As the summer progressed, I noticed that the spots were getting bigger and more noticeable. I brought him to the doctors and found out that it was a pygmentation disorder(excuse the comparisson, but much like Michael Jackson has). At first, I was really upset by it, because it was quite noticeable, and I worried for my son, because he is extremely sensitive and I thought for sure that the kids at school would tease him.

Well, it has been almost a year, and I must say it really isn't that bad. I tried not to make a big deal about it, so Hayden doesn't make a big deal about it. In the wintertime, the spots are barely noticeable. The spots are beginning to be a little more apparent, but yet noone ever says anything. I have talked to Hayden about it and he just doesn't seem to care, he's a boy, and having white spots on his face, is not the end of the world, now if he couldn't bounce a basketball or hit a ball with a baseball bat he may be crushed, but this really doesn't affect him like I thought it may.

I do still have worries, this may get worse, and much more noticeable, he may end up with big patches instead of spots.   Will he have to answer questions then? Will he get teased then? Or will he continue on as he is now, not really caring? I remember one yr. we cut Haydens hair really short and he went to school only to be teased and called baldy, he spent an entire day where the focus seemed to be his hair and major name calling. He got off the bus with his school bag covering his head with great big alligator tears pouring out of his eyes. I think of this and I worry, as a mother I worry for him. On the other hand I know that as a mother I have given him some tools to overcome this, he knows I am always available for a heart to heart, he knows he is loved and supported, and he knows that we can pray. 

I should count my lucky stars, really. This causes him no physical pain at all, he is pretty healthy. I am lucky, many mothers face issues with their children that are absolutely devastating, I have a healthy beautiful boy that I get to hold onto every day, others are not so lucky.

Pauline

A few days ago I made a promise to update daily. ALready I broke that promise. Yesterday was an insane day. Up early to feed the baby, off to church. Didn't get home until after 1pm(had a meeting) made lunch, did housework, went to friends for BBQ...came home, put the kids to bed, cleaned some more, bathed baby, fed baby, put baby to bed, listened to baby cry and fuss, tried to soothe baby, went to bed.

I realize that perhaps committing to updating everyday may not be so realistic. Having four children does take up a lot of time. Perhaps I could commit to every other day. I think about the upcomming month and I think that that might be more easily done. I have 3 school trips comming up, various meetings for church stuff, band practices. On Friday we are taking part in a 12 hr. relay for cancer(from 7pm until 7am), after that we have 2 birthday parties that my youngest daughter has to attend(it is actually her birthday that day but we will have her party the following weekend so she can have her own day) The next day we are hosting a fathers day /Family b-day party for Logan(my daughter). I am sure there are many more things happening but I have lost track.

I think about all this stuff and I get burnt out. So you will all have to be patient with me please please please. I love all my visitors and appreciate your feedback/comments

keep comming ,lots of love

Pauline

My baby is now 2 and a half months old. When I first had him, I was excited because I lost a whole wack of weight, right at the beginning, and I thought, wow, this may not be so hard. HA!!! I don't think I have lost any weight since the beginning. I desperately want to lose some weight, but I am not sure how to go about it. Most days I don't have time to eat in the morning, and others I don't eat dinner till 8 or 9 at night.  I don't have a ton of self esteem, I mean I know that I am a good person and stuff but I must say I feel very frumpy!! Does anyone have any suggestions od advice...please??

I realized today that I don't update very often, so I have decided starting today that I will update everyday, even if it's to say ...I don't feel like blogging today.

It isn't always so easy...with a newborn baby who loves attention, we have been up since 6 and he is now finally sleeping without being in my arms..ahhhh, A short break. Also, with 3 other children I don't always have a free hand.

I have also put some thought into what I want this blog to be, I used to write a lot of poetry, perhaps I will start doing that once in a while again, also I will update ya'll on my family because I tell you we are insanely busy here. Sometimes I may have a funny story, or maybe a touching one or maybe I may have to vent, so stay posted,because I intend to post new material on a regular basis.

Pauline

I am having a hard time! After a conversation with my ex, I am feeling anxious and rather stressed. He has decided that after over a yr. and a half he wants to see the kids. Not for just a weekend, but for 2 whole weeks during the summer. My youngest,Logan, who is just about to turn 5, really doen't know him, and he doesn't know her. Since we have split, over 3 and a half yrs. ago, he has taken her maybe 3 times, she is extremely attached to her stepdad Gerry and I wonder if 2 weeks might be a little much for her.

Hayden and Felicity are pretty eager to go. Hayden is still at the age where his daddy is still his hero. I worry because my ex has not played a big role in his life. He does not know the kids anymore, and they don't know him. Felicity wants to go, but has expressed her dissapointment in her dads lack of "fathering" many times.

I have many issues of my own as well. My biggest fear is that he will not come through and take them at all(which has happened on more than one occasion). I also worry that if they do go, it may not turn out to be what they expected. I also fear that they may have a great time, have their minds filled with all these expectations and than it may be another year before they see him again.

The selfish part of me does not want them to go at all. I am angry because he is in their lives one minute and than gone the next,I feel he has messed up big time and he does not deserve them in the least. I will miss them like crazy and I am trying to get my mind around not seeing them for 2 whole weeks.

Than I shake my head and I realize that no matter how I may feel about it, it's not about me. It is about those 3 beautiful children of mine and what they want. I am not letting them go as a favor for their father, but for them. As much as I feel that he is undeserving my kids deserve the chance to make their own judgements about their dad. As much as it will break my heart to send them off, I know deep down that they need this time.

I have never said a mean word about their dad and always supported them when they wanted to talk about him or call him, but I must admit I don't encourage phone calls as much as I used to. In the beginning I would get the kids to call him every day whether they asked or not. Now I will allow them to call when they ask. Sometimes weeks will go by without even a mention of their dad, and if they don't call, neither will he. This is what ticks me off, really, it's as if he doesn't even realize what he is doing to them, he goes on as usual and I am left to scrape their dissapointed little hearts off the floor. Should I be grateful that I have custody of them, that I get to see them grow and mature or angry with him for not playing a bigger role in their lives? Should I allow him to take them for 2 weeks when he has never spent more than 2 days with them?

Tired, Cranky,FORGOTTEN, Alone,Confused,Stressed,Anxious and Small

 

This pretty much sums up my feelings this morning.

Never seen for what I am

Or appreciated for my effort

Not gone but forgotten

Invisible to the eye

 

I exist only as an afterthought

You see me in body

But not in soul

You have forgotten me

 

My eyes are hollow

My heart cries out

Never to be heard

For I am invisible

 

 

As some of you may or may not know, today is my birthday. I woke up this morning, tired and a little grumpy because I had not had much sleep, had been up most of the night with the baby, and my 4 yr old daughter was also in our bed and I was squished. I got up at about 730 to use the restroom and when I opened my door, there was my son, sitting on the chaise facing my bedroom door, waiting for me with a big grin. Happy Birthday mom, he says, as he rushes towards me and gives me the warmest hug."I cleaned the house for you"he says grabbing my hand leading me to the kitchen,"I made you breakfast"he says, as I look down to see toast smothered with peanut butter sitting on the table.

I thought that this would be another lame birthday, where my family(consisting of mom, sister and brothers), barely made an effort to call, and all along there was a real life angel plotting the whole time. I realized how incredibly lucky I am this morning. It wasn't about material gifts at all, but about a real gift of the heart

Thank You Hayden for teaching me about Life